it's been a long night
by ClarkusLooki
Summary: (also posted on archive) Oneshot where Dan struggles with the fact that he's kind of in love with Phil, and Phil is kind of in love with Dan, and neither of them know what they really want from each other. Making out. No smut, unfortunately.


A/N: hey guys! I wrote this at like 4 am last night, so don't expect too much. Also, I suck at endings, be prepared to cringe. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Parties were never something I particularly enjoyed. They were loud and crowded and bad things always happened. I always got black-out drunk and would feel like complete shit the next morning.

That being said, I can't understand quite why I let myself be dragged me to this one. It can't even really be called a party. It's actually just me and Phil and a few of our other Youtube friends at a bar.

Bars are sometimes even worse than parties, in my opinion. I'm almost guaranteed to get drunk at a bar. Now is no exception, either. I'm sitting in the corner of the bar, sipping on something intoxicatingly sweet that I don't remember the name of. I'm just drunk enough to feel a slight buzz, and even with everyone around me, it's still not enough to make me feel less alone.

I don't even know what I did, but it must've been really fucking awful for Phil to be ignoring me like this. It wasn't like this before, and I've got no idea what might've happened. Phil's just been really distant lately, which is completely unlike him. He doesn't seem as happy. It's making me feel like shit.

I don't think I can stay here. The strobe lights are nauseating and the music's too loud. I don't know where else I can go, though, if I head back to the hotel room then Phil will eventually come back, too. I need to be alone right now. I decide that I'll just leave and see where I find myself.

Just as I'm walking up the stairs, Phil rushes up behind me, to my surprise.

"Dan, wait!" he shouts, and I stop, but don't turn around. He moves around to stand in front of me.

"For what?" I ask, and it probably sounds snobby and gross, but I don't care.

Phil gapes at me for a moment, and I can't help but feel slightly bad. I shouldn't. "Where are you going?"

"Would you care?" I shoot back. He looks hurt, and in that moment I almost crack. I hate shooting questions back and forth like this.

"I always care. What's wrong, Dan?"

I bite my lip harshly and stare at the ground before spitting, "What the hell are you talking about, Phil? You've been ignoring me the entire _month_ and I don't know why. You really hurt me and I didn't want to ask because I don't want to fight and I don't even know what I could've done and you just-"

"Dan, stop," Phil interrupts. Tears start sliding down my cheeks before I can register them. I wipe them away as quickly as I can. Phil pulls me into a hug and I immediately slump against him.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs as shudders wrack through me.

I can't understand it. Phil was so cold and now he's not. I should be angry but I can't bring myself to be.

As soon as Phil deems me calm enough, he lets me go and sighs. "I really am sorry. It's just, I don't want things to change between us. Not like how they have been, but like how things were before. I can't lose this, you know."

"That doesn't make sense, Phil."

"I know, just- just-" He looks hesitant. "Do you love me?"

The question instantly catches me off guard and I tense up. Why would he ask that? I'm even more confused. I know who he is and that he'd only pry if there was a good reason. Only, I don't really know what my answer is. Of course, Phil means everything to me and I'd never want to be without him, but am I in love with him? I suppose I could be, but everything is a mess and with how he's been acting, it's hard to tell.

Putting that into words wasn't exactly working out, but he's the only solid thing in my life. Everyone else has left. I close my eyes and reply, "I . . . think so."

It's a pretty shit answer, but I couldn't bring myself to say no. I grimace when he doesn't respond.

"Um, Phil?" I mutter. I'll take any response from him other than this. He doesn't look mad or let down, he just looks perplexed. I feel anxious. I should've had more than only two drinks. A little liquid confidence would be helpful right now. There's absolutely nothing worse than not being able to expect what someone'll say.

"I was afraid you'd say that."

"Then why did you even ask?"

"Because you wanted to know why I've been mean. And I didn't mean to be, I just didn't want to find out." Phil takes a second to rethink. "I mean, I wanted to know but I want us to stay the same."

So, rejection? Sort of? It's hard to get rejected if you weren't looking for something. In a way, I offered an opportunity, though. That wasn't exactly rejected, either.

I dislike being trapped in situations like these. I still want to be alone.

"Phil, I'm gonna go. I don't really want to talk anymore."

He doesn't say anything or try to stop me as I push past him. Just as I'm stepping out into the open air, I consider that he might be feeling just as bad as I am.

I turn and say, "Oh, and Phil? Things between us don't have to change. It's okay."

As the door closes, I see him give a tiny smile. It's not the best, but it's reassuring.

I'm halfway down some street when I realize I have no idea where I'm going. I figure that if Phil and I aren't really on bad terms anymore then I can just go back to our hotel room. I'll walk. I won't have to deal with a taxi driver and the cool air is pleasant, so it's fine.

I don't want to dwell on what just happened, but I can't ignore it. I don't fully understand what Phil was on about, but I can see his point.

I don't know where I stand with Phil. We're too close to be just friends, but we're also not dating. There's a fine line between _together_ and _not together_. It would be nice to know.

Continuing from that, I don't know what I want from Phil. I was being honest when I said I love him, but whether or not I want to be with him is blurry.

As I think of what we're not, I realize there are so many things I should've asked him. I hate leaving things left unsaid. I don't know if he loves me. I don't know what he wants me to do. I don't know if he'll go back to acting the way he was.

However, I do know that he's not upset with me. That's always a plus. I feel a little hopeful with that, perhaps things will be okay between us.

It can't be good for me to keep switching from grief to relief to hope and then back to grief again. I'm desperate for something I can't have. I'm also still trying to figure out what I want.

I look up at the sky and feel a sliver of anger. I hope this consumed his mind like it's consuming mine.

Open the door. Step in the room. And then . . . go to bed?

There's no way that's happening. My sleep schedule is too far gone to go to bed now. I run through my options.

Stay in this room, where Phil will inevitable show up at one point or another? I don't think so. Head back to the bar, or any other one, for that matter? Probably not the best idea. Wander aimlessly around Vegas? While that might distract me, I don't want to be stabbed by some hobo murderer.

Pool? I think for a second. I'm not exactly in the mood to swim but if it'll divert my attention then it'd be worth it.

I change into my swim shorts- black, of course- and head up.

The pool is on the rooftop of the hotel, and it's much quieter all the way up here. It is unnerving to think that I'm a few hundred feet above the ground. I glance over the edge of the railing and it makes me dizzy.

There's no one else up here, and I'm slightly disappointed in myself for thinking that coming here might help.

I situate myself in the hot tub, because there's not really a reason to go down now, and the hot water's relaxing.

I'm starting to nod off when I hear the door creak open. It startles me awake, and I feel a little embarrassed at the fact that I'm up here all by myself. The feeling dissipates the moment I lay eyes on who it is.

Phil.

Damn. I don't know where to start.

He cuts me off just as I'm about to speak. "Can I join you?"

I nod, still unsure as of what to say.

He lowers himself into the water beside me. The silence lingers in the air while we both look at anything but each other.

Phil clears his throat and says, "You probably don't want to talk to me right now, but I don't want to leave things how they are."

"It's fine. You can start by maybe telling me how you feel?" I ask, and it's a big risk, because it could make things worse.

I know he understands what I mean and I'm glad he doesn't stall the question when he answers, "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you, if you understand what I mean."

I do. I make a soft 'mhm' noise.

"Are you okay?"

I take a deep breath. "I'm not happy, but yeah, I'm okay. Are you?"

Phil seems relieved. Good, it must've been bothering him as much as it was bothering me.

"Yeah."

We don't speak for a few minutes. Somehow, I've moved myself and now I'm facing him directly. I'm staring directly into his eyes and they're so intensely blue and I can't bring myself to look away.

Before I can stop myself, I'm leaning in and tilting my head and my eyes are falling shut. Our lips press together and he isn't pulling away. In fact, he shuts his eyes and leans into my touch. It's reckless and stupid and the feeling it brings is so overwhelming.

He applies more pressure and I can't think straight anymore. My hands scrabble across his back for anything to hold onto, while his hands weave into my hair and tug gently.

I pry my lips open with my mine, our tongues meet. I push myself on him and he dips further back into the water. Neither of us are wearing shirts and his skin is doing crazy things to my mind.

Suddenly, I feel him pulling away and I blurt out, "Please just let me have this."

It was a horrendously desperate thing to say. And apparently, just the right thing, because he's leaning back in. I need to stop, but instead I kiss him harder. It's likely the last time I'll have this, so I try to imprint every touch in my memory.

Phil leans back further and brings me with him. I'm straddling his hips and dear god, I don't want to do something I'll regret, but it's hard to resist. There's something indescribable about the way he tastes.

I moved my lips from his and press wet kisses down his jaw. When I get to his neck, he asks, "What are we?"

"I don't know."

I pause and take a moment to think about what's happened, what's going to happen. I lean back a smidge, our noses bumping, and stare at him. He loops his arms around my waist. It's a simple gesture, but I can't help but think so much more of it.

I rethink everything I've said tonight, and I suppose that I've created an opportunity. Or maybe it was Phil who did. It doesn't matter. Things will be different now. I'm not sure how, but we can't just pretend this never happened. I dearly hope this wasn't a mistake.

"I hope things will be okay," I say, and it's incredibly lame, but whatever. Nothing I can do about it now.

Phil tilts his head and smiles. "I do too."

"Do you still love me?"

"I guess."

We're both tired and we've possibly ruined our friendship- relationship- whatever it is.

When we go back to our room, I can't decide whether I'm anxious or exhilarated. I must be both. Something between us drastically changed and I think it'll be a while before either of us figure out what. Almost everything that takes place past midnight is bad, and leads to disaster. I don't think this one will, though.

 _Fuck it,_ I think, because whatever happens, happens.

It's been a long night.


End file.
